A Look Into Me

“Any change, any loss, doesn’t make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice, and the choice could be power.” ~Blaire Lee~

As the thunder creeps closer, I sit and reflect. I love storms and the rain they bring. After the rain, everything looks new and clean. But with this storm, I find my reflections take a deeper, darker turn than usual. Which is confirmed by the quote that pushed to the forefront of my mind as I sat to write this blog. I can recite it from memory, it has been with me so long. You say: “They are just words…” but to me, they are so much more. At many points in my life they were my life-line. You say: “Gee, that’s just a bit over-dramatic don’t you think?” I say: “No…let me show you a little of what I am talking about.”

I don’t know when I found them first, but I know they were with me back in the 7th grade, when I lost my best friend – my soul sister, Cassandra, to suicide. During that time of loss, I was also dealing with daily trips to the heart hospital in Norfolk, to see my dad, who was waiting for a ‘new’ heart. They were with me when my dad got his ‘new’ heart, but then suffered a stroke which left him paralyzed on the right side; however, they were still with me when we got the news that his paralysis had disappeared over night. Seeing the power of these words, I started incorporating them into my everyday life – and I started looking at my past in a different light, and I realized that no fault could be laid at my feet any longer for the wrongs that had been done to me. I had found my power, my drive, my way in coping. Those few words spoken by a diplomat in the early 1900s.

Later on, I found that even though I had found my drive, it would forever be tested. The tests started again at the end of my senior year, when I lost a wonderful friend, Stephen, during a horrific car accident. Then continued on during nursing school, when I was pulled into the Dean’s office and accused of cheating because of my grades. I wanted to sing those words to the Dean when she handed my diploma to me when I graduated with honors with my one and only classmate standing next to me – from a class that had started with 28 people. Then shortly after my graduation, I lost another wonderful friend, Daniel, to suicide. After the loss of Daniel, I hit a lull…a blissful lull, in which I still had the power of those words with me, but they had burrowed deep into the back of my mind, just waiting for the day I would need them again.

That day came when I was pregnant with my son. After a day of monitoring at the hospital 3 weeks before he was due, I was informed that to keep both of us safe, they would have to induce labor first thing the following morning. Nine and a half hours after I was induced, while holding my son for the first time, those words were still with me. Even today, when I wake up and find myself restless because of the monotony of my daily routine, those words are with me – but now I have my son, and a new drive. The drive to watch him grow up, the drive to raise him in a way I can be proud of him when he’s grown and off conquering his own demons. To know that I gave him the tools to not shrink from change, loss, and disappointment.

So in closing, I wonder…what gives you the power, the drive to continue my fellow bloggers? Is it a someone, something, or a phrase, a quote? What makes you set your feet and dig in deep so you can hang on?

The storm is over now, and as I look over my shoulder, I see a beautiful rainbow. My little corner of the world is shiny, green, and clean again…and I can’t help but to feel a little better on the inside also.

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