A Look Into Me

“Any change, any loss, doesn’t make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice, and the choice could be power.” ~Blaire Lee~

As the thunder creeps closer, I sit and reflect. I love storms and the rain they bring. After the rain, everything looks new and clean. But with this storm, I find my reflections take a deeper, darker turn than usual. Which is confirmed by the quote that pushed to the forefront of my mind as I sat to write this blog. I can recite it from memory, it has been with me so long. You say: “They are just words…” but to me, they are so much more. At many points in my life they were my life-line. You say: “Gee, that’s just a bit over-dramatic don’t you think?” I say: “No…let me show you a little of what I am talking about.”

I don’t know when I found them first, but I know they were with me back in the 7th grade, when I lost my best friend – my soul sister, Cassandra, to suicide. During that time of loss, I was also dealing with daily trips to the heart hospital in Norfolk, to see my dad, who was waiting for a ‘new’ heart. They were with me when my dad got his ‘new’ heart, but then suffered a stroke which left him paralyzed on the right side; however, they were still with me when we got the news that his paralysis had disappeared over night. Seeing the power of these words, I started incorporating them into my everyday life – and I started looking at my past in a different light, and I realized that no fault could be laid at my feet any longer for the wrongs that had been done to me. I had found my power, my drive, my way in coping. Those few words spoken by a diplomat in the early 1900s.

Later on, I found that even though I had found my drive, it would forever be tested. The tests started again at the end of my senior year, when I lost a wonderful friend, Stephen, during a horrific car accident. Then continued on during nursing school, when I was pulled into the Dean’s office and accused of cheating because of my grades. I wanted to sing those words to the Dean when she handed my diploma to me when I graduated with honors with my one and only classmate standing next to me – from a class that had started with 28 people. Then shortly after my graduation, I lost another wonderful friend, Daniel, to suicide. After the loss of Daniel, I hit a lull…a blissful lull, in which I still had the power of those words with me, but they had burrowed deep into the back of my mind, just waiting for the day I would need them again.

That day came when I was pregnant with my son. After a day of monitoring at the hospital 3 weeks before he was due, I was informed that to keep both of us safe, they would have to induce labor first thing the following morning. Nine and a half hours after I was induced, while holding my son for the first time, those words were still with me. Even today, when I wake up and find myself restless because of the monotony of my daily routine, those words are with me – but now I have my son, and a new drive. The drive to watch him grow up, the drive to raise him in a way I can be proud of him when he’s grown and off conquering his own demons. To know that I gave him the tools to not shrink from change, loss, and disappointment.

So in closing, I wonder…what gives you the power, the drive to continue my fellow bloggers? Is it a someone, something, or a phrase, a quote? What makes you set your feet and dig in deep so you can hang on?

The storm is over now, and as I look over my shoulder, I see a beautiful rainbow. My little corner of the world is shiny, green, and clean again…and I can’t help but to feel a little better on the inside also.

Update…

“You must remember, family is often born of blood, but it doesn’t depend on blood. Nor is it exclusive of friendship. Family members can be your best friends, you know. And best friends, whether or not they are related to you, can be your family.”

~Trenton Lee Stewart

I write to you sitting in my son’s room in Georgia today.  We have both relocated to good old south Georgia…about 5 minutes away from the Florida border.  I never thought that I would be comfortable here again..but I am.  You see, I was born in a big city, then I had moved to the seven cities in Virginia – and I had determined a long while ago that I am not a little town kinda girl…however, neither am I someone who could dwell in the city that never sleeps (new York – believe me, I tried, and warm milk before bedtime got real old really quick!)  But I diverse – the point I was making was that I am not a small town girl who likes to drive 45 minutes to an hour to get to a city to roam, or even just to get a Tropical Smoothie (because face it, down here, there really is no such thing as a winter…the lowest it gets is in the low 60s during the day).

I however, have not been writing much of late.  Between packing boxes to send to Georgia, getting my son airplane ready and such – there has been no time.  Both of us are still suffering from jet lag…or really the time changes.  We just had 2 hours taken away and my son wants to know where it went!  I am looking forward to a full nights sleep sometime soon.  Once I get back into the swing of things again, I will continue my writing as well as my blogging. My hand itches to pick up my pen and paper and learn what my characters will reveal to me once again…I miss my four main characters no matter how quirky they are.  I will also be starting another short story soon, one which is due by the 15th of this month, so I look forward to see what my mind puts together for this creative piece!

Now I leave you, in hopes that my update has been well recieved. Once again, sorry for the lack of blogging on my part…I have missed hearing from my friends around the world 🙂

Before…and…After

“Right now I want a word that describes the feeling that you get–a cold sick feeling, deep down inside–when you know something is happening that will change you, and you don’t want it to, but you can’t stop it. And you know, for the first time, for the very first time, that there will now be a before and an after, a was and a will be. And that you will never again quite be the same person you were.”

~Jennifer Donnelly

Today I leave you with this quote. Regardless of what you are going through know that there will always be a before and after – a was and a will be. Make the after stronger and more resilient. Learn from the before and seize the day to make the after all you every dreamed it could be. YOU alone have this power – no one else.

I also believe that this quote fits well in memorandum of this day 11 years ago, here in America – as well as the aftermath and the people who are still out there fighting for us. We became a before and an after September 11th. A country that was and a country that will be. I have watched as we have slowly lapsed back into the before, but then I gain hope when I see people grab the after by the horns and seize the day.

So I encourage you, whether American or not, whether you are going through something or not…sieze the day. Become a better version of yourself. Remember changes can come in the form of groups or just a single person. Most importantly though, do not think change can only come with sadness and loss – each day is new and full of possibilities! CARPE DIEM.

To Change, Or Not To Change…

“Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change – this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress.”
~Bruce Barton
Change…wow. Everyone deals with it; it’s around us everywhere we look. It is a part of life, whether we like it or not. There are so many sides to change; it just depends on how you look at it. Some people are afraid of it, and some thrive off of it. There is no wrong or right way to look at it…it’s just you and your opinion.
As for me, I think that change is essential to the human race. Without it, there would be no progress. Could you imagine the world with no progress? It’s not a place I would like to be.
But who makes the changes? Who has the courage to say, this isn’t working, I know there is a better way to do this? The answer: Dreamers do. You see, it’s the ones that you think have their heads stuck in the clouds that you have to watch…they are the ones that accomplish great things. *The Wright brothers, Albert Einstein to name a couple!*
The most wonderous change that I witness everyday though, is the growth of my son. Each day is filled with new things; whether it is a new word, or a new way to pay with an old toy – I know that he is growing, learning, and always changing. Sometimes it brings tears to my eyes, other days though it just drives me crazy. But deep down, I secretly hope that one day, he will have the courage to change something big for the human race. That he will have his chance with his head in the clouds.
But then I also remember another quote, as stated by Anatole France, that, “All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”
I remember many changes that have brought me melancholy in my lifetime – the worse was loss of friends that had died too young – but then I remember…without those losses, without those changes, no matter how devistating they were, I would not be who I am today. I would not have become an LPN (Licensed Practical Nurse). I would not have my wonderful son to play and dance with. Above all, I would not have lived life and enjoyed it the way that I have and will continue to do. And I know that I have change to thank for that.
So..what do you have to thank change for??