“It’s hard for people to see you one way, but you’re really the other way, so it’s kind of like, ‘Who am I, who are you?’ Sometimes, I confuse even myself.” ~Nicole Polizzi~
*sigh* another piece of paper torn to pieces and thrown away. I, as in myself, am trying to leak out of my writing onto the pages stained with my red writing pen, again. It’s alright, to an extent, I expect it…but I am pushing the limits now.
The clouds cover the moon, the stars refuse to shine. She is woken from her nightmare, taking that first breath of freedom but the smoke lingers in her lungs. She doesn’t look around wildly, trying to remember where she is…she already knows. She doesn’t make a sound, she just takes a couple more deep breaths and turns onto her back to stare at the ceiling. There are no tears, they are useless…they didn’t help her then, and they make no sense now. This nightmare has been her companion for so many years, it’s like an old friend who has over stayed their welcome and can’t catch a hint. There is no shaking or quick glances into the corners where the shadows hide when she gets up, for the shadows of the past are the only ones to fear, and those are always with her. She walks calmly to her son’s room and checks to make sure he’s sleeping and not playing with his toys again. Satisfied when she hears his soft snoring, she goes to the kitchen for a glass of water – the coolness soothes her aching lungs. She finally makes her way back to bed, and lies down. Closing her eyes, she hopes for exhaustion to claim her so there are no more dreams…or nightmares, tonight – but knows that when the light of the morning comes, she will still be hoping, in vain.
She is me, I am her. There is no escaping who I am, who I was, who I hope to be one day. Truthfully, I do not wish to because all of this molded together is…me. There are quirks, there are imperfections, there is even a little craziness…but with that there is acceptance, there is beauty, and there is life. So now, I shall go and live that life to the fullest, laugh – possibly the loudest, and love those who give me love in return. For today I have conquered my past, and live for the piece of time that is this moment.