“Who am I, who are you?”

“It’s hard for people to see you one way, but you’re really the other way, so it’s kind of like, ‘Who am I, who are you?’ Sometimes, I confuse even myself.” ~Nicole Polizzi~

*sigh* another piece of paper torn to pieces and thrown away. I, as in myself, am trying to leak out of my writing onto the pages stained with my red writing pen, again. It’s alright, to an extent, I expect it…but I am pushing the limits now.

EXCERPT
The clouds cover the moon, the stars refuse to shine. She is woken from her nightmare, taking that first breath of freedom but the smoke lingers in her lungs. She doesn’t look around wildly, trying to remember where she is…she already knows. She doesn’t make a sound, she just takes a couple more deep breaths and turns onto her back to stare at the ceiling. There are no tears, they are useless…they didn’t help her then, and they make no sense now. This nightmare has been her companion for so many years, it’s like an old friend who has over stayed their welcome and can’t catch a hint. There is no shaking or quick glances into the corners where the shadows hide when she gets up, for the shadows of the past are the only ones to fear, and those are always with her. She walks calmly to her son’s room and checks to make sure he’s sleeping and not playing with his toys again. Satisfied when she hears his soft snoring, she goes to the kitchen for a glass of water – the coolness soothes her aching lungs. She finally makes her way back to bed, and lies down. Closing her eyes, she hopes for exhaustion to claim her so there are no more dreams…or nightmares, tonight – but knows that when the light of the morning comes, she will still be hoping, in vain.

She is me, I am her. There is no escaping who I am, who I was, who I hope to be one day. Truthfully, I do not wish to because all of this molded together is…me. There are quirks, there are imperfections, there is even a little craziness…but with that there is acceptance, there is beauty, and there is life. So now, I shall go and live that life to the fullest, laugh – possibly the loudest, and love those who give me love in return. For today I have conquered my past, and live for the piece of time that is this moment.

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Good Morning All…

“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last to go to bed, first to rise…the mark of a mother. All but the cat and I are still asleep, so I figured I would sit and write a bit as I sip my (yes…you guessed it) hot tea. This is my reflection time…sit back, breathe and plan the day that will never happen. Yes, as a mother anything that you plan for the day will magically not happen at all…especially if your child is stuck in NO stage. But really, I wouldn’t change my son for the world…no matter how rowdy and argumentative he is, I just have to remember that patience is the key…and that stubbornness had to come from somewhere 🙂

He’s got a few scratches from a run-in with the cat. It’s one of those “NO” things. You know “Little man…stop chasing the cat…don’t pull on her tail…let her out from under your bed…don’t pick her up that way please!” *sigh* One day it will sink in…hopefully. Until then, I have the antiseptic on hand, and have stocked up on bandages. Crazy me though, I am thinking about getting a little brother for Luna (yes the kitten’s name is Luna). Then maybe his attention can be directed and divided two ways. Oh and did I mention that the kitten is teething? Huh…who knew?

Since my last post (before last night) we have moved, once again. For a person who had lived most of her life in Virginia (20+ years)…this is a big deal. That was 3 times of relocation within a year…though honestly I had no idea I would wind up back where I began…here in this little town. No, don’t worry, I am not complaining…I’m just saying 🙂 The new house has a pool in the backyard and is covered with a Lanai…so I’m looking forward to teaching my son how to swim this summer. For now, he sticks his feet in the water and holds onto mommy when we decide to take a nice refreshing swim.

So, I am taking life and what it has to throw at me, one day at a time. Starting the day with my tea, making my plans. Here’s to the plans that never see the light of day. The memories that are made instead. And the patience of the mother and kitten with a little guy who just wants to have fun.